金継ぎ

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of
repair,
broken pottery mended with
gold(en lacquer)
treating breakage and repair as
history, beauty
rather than something to disguise
(thanks wikipedia)

standing ankle deep in sand with salt
lapping at your kneecaps
the sun hits your body at a funny angle,
the rushing of gold underneath
warm-hot skin
casting a halo,
a welcoming of the sea

your body exists like coral
fragile and encompassing,
a hole where your heart should be
the breeze whistling through your lungs,
I forget how you seem to LIVE
and it hurts especially to see you stand
BUT the gold running through your veins reminds me you might just be okay

you haven’t spoken for eight years

but I tried my best —
I keep your hair cropped short the way you liked
and dress you in grey as you did

it doesn’t mask what I’ve messed up

-all four molars-
-your left hand-
-several vertebrae-
-the shattered shin bones-
And your heart,

WHAT’S NOT THERE
, WHAT’S GOLD

but when it’s the way it is right now,
the sun hitting you
the way it is,
the way you are broken
and beautiful
with the sea speaking to you
as it recognises your half boy body
casting an embrace to the horizon

my tears can fall
and still be going home

– Natalie Catalan